Wednesday, April 9, 2008

"Nobody eats Gummy Bears more than him"

The sour straw induced gastrointestinal distress that silenced Derrick Rose leading up to the NCAA title game joins Felix Pie's twisted testicle, Kaz Matsui's anal fissure, and Mikhail Youzhny's self administered head wound in a parade of bizarre spring time injuries. Rather than revisit other unusual mishaps of the past, the AD Hall will peer into the crystal ball and boldly forecast the ten oddest ailments of the future. Prepare to be amazed at a later date.

May 2008 - Having failed to take seriously the dangers of partying with underage girls, Matt Leinert misses whatever the hell those spring practices are called with a dislocated shoulder suffered while attempting to reach new heights whilst holding a beer bong for his 17 year old date. Conspiracies theorists, however, insist that the lost practice time was actually due to a bruised uvula suffered during a Nick Lachey-related incident.

July 2008 - While doing a bit of trail running as part of his off-season conditioning program, Carmelo Anthony veers off course, resulting in a severe case of poison oak. As a silver lining, however, Melo becomes the spokesman for a multi-million dollar Benadryl ad campaing: Stop Fuckin' Itchin'.

November 2008 - During the home opener for the Oklahoma City Prairie Dogs, OKC owner Clay Bennett is brutally assaulted by an intoxicated and morbidly obese Shawn Kemp, who bellows that Bennett has squashed his dream of a triumphant comeback in the city where he became a star. The situation is complicated when women from various corners of the arena join in the fight, attacking Kemp and demanding child support payments. The donnybrook spills onto the court, where Kevin Durant suffers a high ankle sprain.

December 2008 - Following yet another early season home loss, Sunderland boss Roy Keane suffers a scratched cornea when he is hit by a missile as he leaves the pitch. Shockingly, the object turns out to a half eaten prawn sandwich, launched by a disgruntled, but still passionate, fan in the luxury boxes.

February 2009 - As part of his annual off-season competition with Tiger Woods, Braves pitcher John Smoltz proposes a game of one-on-one basketball. Smoltz, a high school star in Michigan, forgets that he is forty-one years old and attempts a ferocious dunk over a stunned Woods. Sadly, the hurler is rejected by the underside of the rim, crashing to the ground and experience a bruised tail bone and class three sprained ego.

May 2009 - Looking to crash the energy drink party, and put his soft serving experience to use, Mavs owner Mark Cuban launches an exciting new product: Xtreme Ice Kream. Cuban enlists his team for product testing, only to have Dirk Nowitzki miss that evening's game with a taurine/ice cream headache.

October 2009 - In yet another post-season flop, Alex Rodriguez goes 0-17 as the Yankees are eliminated in the ALDS. Baseball insiders attribute this performance to a scrotal abrasion suffered by A-Rod when he was forced to zip up in a hurry and flee when Jose Conseco arrived home early.

June 2010 - Completing a stunning two year turn around, a healthy Dwyane Wade and Michael Beasley lead the Miami Heat to the NBA championship. Shawn Marion, incensed at once more being relegated to "under-appreciated third option and defensive specialist," skips the locker room celebration to drink alone at the bar in the team hotel. He later suffers a broken rib, vomiting in the lobby bathroom.

September 2010 - As part of their penance for bringing shame to the sport, the NBA sends the New York Knicks to Mongolia as part of the NBA Cares program. Ron Artest, entering his third season in New York, is somehow separated from the team and lost to the wilds of the Gobi. He is found months later, seemingly living happily with a pair of snow leopards. Artest receives treatment for scurvy and mild exposure, but is otherwise unharmed.

January 2012 - At a lavish party celebrating his 30th birthday, Gilbert Arenas suffers bruises and a mild concussion when he is thrown from the rented elephant he rode in on and crashes threw a larger than life ice sculpture of himself. On his blog, Gil admits that the experience was painful, but "not nearly as bad as that time my rookie year when I shaved my taint."

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