For Live Football...

Check out the Cock n' Bull Pub on Rosewood if you're here in Columbia. They have feeds to Setanta, Fox Soccer Channel, Gol TV and Univision which pretty much covers any games that are going to make it on the tele in the US. Good brews on draught too.

Of Note, and an Apology

Of Note:

None of our contributors correctly identified the score of the game, though Mr. Lee did manage to guess the right outcome.

An Apology:

To anyone who read the phrase "dookie-poo." This should be self-explanatory.

Oddities

It's a fact of life: Sometimes, weird shit happens.

--Occasionally, avian mortality is forcefully illustrated.

--Frequently, old dudes with moustaches are resurrected from the coaching crypt to re-lead their former teams.

--Rarely, though, does a dookie-poo team win a MAJOR LEAGUE baseball game without notching a single hit.

If such piss-poor beisbol depresses you, watch this for the zillionth time. (Just don't remember the fact that this guy used to be an owner!)

____gate, the Controversy of the Year!!!

Is it just me, or does every little issue these days get blown up into thisgate or thatgate? Just today, Mike Wilbon refers to the issue described here as Refgate. This is not an attack on Wilbon, but rather just to point out how easily the mainstream media, especially sports media, latch on to stupid cliches. Last year's Patriots' controversy - Spygate. The ridiculous saga at the new Yankee Stadium where a David Ortiz uni was dug up - Jerseygate. (For a good list of 'gates' including those not associated with sports, go here).

This reminds me of last year when the Roger Clemens, Brian McNamee issues first came out and the only thing you'd hear on ESPN was how it was a 'he said, he said' situation. That is so lame and it was so overused it made me mute the tv anytime something about Clemens came up.

Cliches can sometimes be hard to avoid, and I can't blame people for using catchy or timely phrasing to capture an audience. But please, enough with the gates. It's not like that even makes sense. Watergate was (and is) a hotel in Washington, DC. Gate is not some sort of description or qualifier.

America the Overbearing

So I just spent a week-and-a-half in Germany visiting areas of Franconia in northern Bavaria. Pretty hard to argue with the omnipresent bratwurst and the litany of beers to taste. It was asparagus season so the Spargel was available on every menu in soup, as a salad or whole. But one of the best parts of being out of the country for more than a day or two was the total lack of American sports coverage. Sure, I could check the internet for the scores of the NBA playoff games, but as far as newspapers (which I couldn't read anyway) and television (which I also couldn't understand) were concerned, it was refreshing to not have to read stories about this or that athelete's legal troubles, rumors about the NBA draft or articles about which pitchers are statically the best hitters.

It made me wish that each sports writer out there could get a week off every month to just get away from the daily grind that is the sports beat. The types of articles, interviews and opinion out there on a daily basis are so over the top when stepped away from them for even a short time. Do we really care who Joey Dorsey thinks will be the top pick in the draft? Does there need to be two full days worth of discussion about one end-of-game no-call?

This blog hopefully brings a bit of humor and pure opinion to a usually overthought, overreacting and double-speaking industry. If it ever turns into anything resembling Jay Mariotti, or even Mike and Mike, let us know and we will immediately shut this down...

Wilbon

Is it just me, or has Mike Wilbon aged twenty years almost overnight? The guy who was once interesting, insightful, relatively young and great at his job(s) is now overly conservative, old-sounding and more or less a first rate curmudgeon. Rather than focusing on sports analysis, Wilbon spends most of his PTI time at least, ranting against things or people that are in his opinion, "a joke," "a dope," or "junk." These things include Toronto FC fans throwing streamers on the field as celebration, any player (OJ Mayo being a recent example) who appears young and brash, or really anything that doesn't fit his particular set of beliefs. He is unabashedly supportive of all teams Chicago, which isn't a bad thing. However, Wilbon takes it to the nth degree by asserting that any player or coach who is from Chicago (Candace Parker, et al) are destined to be great because of their being from Chicago. He also name drops like it's his job, particularly when it comes to NBA conversations. We all know that big time writers are well connected, they wouldn't be big time writers if they weren't. But we don't need to hear about a round of golf with Charles Barkely or eating sushi with Michael Jordan. And we especially don't need to hear about all the "hip" clubs and restaurants he goes to. You never know how riches will change a person but Wilbon appears to be an example of someone who has allowed it to go to his head and affect his ability to even remotely cover sports without biases.

Isn't it also weird that Wilbon, a married man, would talk so openly on tv about wanting to have been invited to Matt Leinart's hot tub party? Those girls weren't even of legal drinking age and are less than half of Wilbon's age. Seems so contridictory to preach about the morals and right ways to go about living in the world of sport and constantly talk about the girls he'd love to share a hot tub with.

RIP Eight Belles

If Hinduism turns out to be right about all of this, remind me not to be reincarnated as a race horse.

Idiots

Exhibit 1: Jose Conseco provides us with the following gem, "Obviously, when you make all that money, people think, 'OK, let's assume it is $35 million.' People have to understand that $35 million, you're paying the government 41 percent. That leaves you with about $17 or $18 million, not even." Seriously guys, Jose was left with not even 17 mil. Incidentally, fifty-nine percent of $35 million is about $20.65 million.

Exhibit 2: From the 100 meter world record holder to heroin dealer. Tim Montgomery is just making us all sad.

Buzz Bissinger is an Asshole

There isn't enough room for me to write everything I think about this subject and this moron, Bissinger, so let me just ask this question. How can Bissinger rant and rave about the dumbing down of society in regards to comments on Deadspin posts and use that as an indictment on the entire blogging/new media universe and not think about what happened at the Chicago Sun Times? Jay Mariotti's columns were opened up to comment earlier this year. Instead of commenting on his articles most of the comments were about how Mariotti is himself an asshole, among many other things. Mariotti got pissed about it and demanded the feature be taken down (and it was). Afterwards, the Trib openend up a page on its website specifically so that people who wanted to comment about what a dick Mariotti is could do so without fear of being shut down. Does Bissinger have a problem with the Chicago Sun Times and the Chicago Tribune? I doubt it, because they're estabished media and above all this blog riff raff. But it's the exact same thing Bissinger thinks is the scourge of the earth. What an incompetent idiot.

ps - Just a suggestion Buzz, just because it's HBO doesn't mean you have to use every curse word out there. Makes your arguments about the vile nature of blogs seem quite hypocritical.

Hyper Dunks - Coming Soon to a Store Near You

Check out the new Kenny Smith shoes!

White/Yellow/Orange/Red/Black Out

What is the deal with all the 'Outs' these days, especially in the pros? I can't remember what was the first one I saw though I think it was the Miami Heat White Out in the 2006 NBA Finals. Shortly thereafter Penn State used a series of White Outs in games against Ohio State and I'm pretty sure Notre Dame (though I think they do it for every single home game now).

Last year, UGA used a Black Out in a game against Auburn and also wore black unis for the first time. Last basketball season, Louisville used a White Out against UConn and even coach Rick Pitino got in on the act.

None of those are particularly annoying or egregious by themsevles, but as the collective whole is growing, it's starting to change. Just in the past week the Philadelphia Flyers had an Orange Out for their Game 6 (loss) against the Washinton Capitals. The Caps then returned the favor by hosting a Red Out for their Game 7 (loss). The Cleveland Cavaliers then hosted the Washington Wizards in Game 1 of their first round series and held a Yellow Out, as barely seen behind the Wizards in this photo, which makes it even stranger since the Wiz wore gold. Not to be outdone, upon returning home for Game 3 last night, the Wizards held a White Out of their own. Also last night, the Utah Jazz had a White Out in a Game 3 loss against the Rockets and the Toronto Raports held a Red Out in their Game 3 win over the Magic.

'Outs' are now reaching the status of rushing the floor/field after a win in basketball or football and other stupid trends like tights or tube socks in the NBA. That is trends that are completely pointless but for some reason have lasted far longer than they ever should have. 'Outs' have completely jumped the shark, so can we please stop having them?

Height

Really tall, funny-looking athletes:

• Manute Bol
• Mark Eaton
• Jan Koller
• Gheorghe Muresan
• Randy Johnson
• Shawn Bradley
• Peter Crouch
• Ralph Sampson

Separated at Birth?

I Felt Like We Needed More Pictures

Game for a Rainy Day (or long car ride)

We all love games like Monopoly or Parcheesi, and who doesn't Madden appeal to? But sometimes when it's a rainy day or if you're in the car (one without video screens on the backs of seats) for a long drive, it's fun to play the sports name game. 'How does one play?' you ask? We're very glad you asked. The rules go as follows:

First person lists any player from any sport, past or present (sorry, no future). For example, Pele. Pele famously played soccer, of course, so for the next person, the athlete they name cannot be a soccer player. Easy enough, right?

But here's the interesting part (if this wasn't part of it, you could just name all the athelets you'd ever heard of which would just be a contest of who has the best memory, which would be kind of fun for a little while but eventually you'd probably rather be out in the rain): the next athlete's first name must start with the last letter of the previous athlete's last name. So, in the conveniently aforementioned example (see sentence two, above) Pele was the athlete and his name ends in 'e.' So, person two must reply with, for example, Edgerrin James. Edgerrin James starts with 'e' and is not a soccer player, making him one of thousands of perfect matches for this example. The game continues as such until a person can no longer name any players fitting these criteria. Additionally, no names may ever be reused (well, at least not in the same game. I guess you could reuse Pele the next time you play...if you weren't very good at it).

One fun way to more easily knock out your eager opponents is to use as many names like Claude Lemieux or Harold "the show" Arceneaux. Why? They end in 'x,' that's why. How many names have you ever heard of that start with 'x'? I'll cheat for you and give you a few (Xavier McDaniel, who by the way went to AC Flora high school here in Columbia, and Xavi Alsonso). Names such as Exree Hipp do not count, even though they sound like they might start with an 'x.'

Finally, names that cannot be used include nicknames of players. For example, one cannot use 'Pudge' Rodriguez, even though 'z' is another really good letter to end with. Ivan Rodriguez is of course very appropriate, but not if the last letter of the previous last name ends in 'p.' This is also useful when considering using Carlton Fisk and slightly less useful but still good to know when considering Pork Chop Womack (aka, Floyd).

So there you have it, completely free of charge (until we can start charging for access to this site) a game to play that will enhance your sports name knowledge while simultaneously wasting countless hours. Please play responsibly.

"Nobody eats Gummy Bears more than him"

The sour straw induced gastrointestinal distress that silenced Derrick Rose leading up to the NCAA title game joins Felix Pie's twisted testicle, Kaz Matsui's anal fissure, and Mikhail Youzhny's self administered head wound in a parade of bizarre spring time injuries. Rather than revisit other unusual mishaps of the past, the AD Hall will peer into the crystal ball and boldly forecast the ten oddest ailments of the future. Prepare to be amazed at a later date.

May 2008 - Having failed to take seriously the dangers of partying with underage girls, Matt Leinert misses whatever the hell those spring practices are called with a dislocated shoulder suffered while attempting to reach new heights whilst holding a beer bong for his 17 year old date. Conspiracies theorists, however, insist that the lost practice time was actually due to a bruised uvula suffered during a Nick Lachey-related incident.

July 2008 - While doing a bit of trail running as part of his off-season conditioning program, Carmelo Anthony veers off course, resulting in a severe case of poison oak. As a silver lining, however, Melo becomes the spokesman for a multi-million dollar Benadryl ad campaing: Stop Fuckin' Itchin'.

November 2008 - During the home opener for the Oklahoma City Prairie Dogs, OKC owner Clay Bennett is brutally assaulted by an intoxicated and morbidly obese Shawn Kemp, who bellows that Bennett has squashed his dream of a triumphant comeback in the city where he became a star. The situation is complicated when women from various corners of the arena join in the fight, attacking Kemp and demanding child support payments. The donnybrook spills onto the court, where Kevin Durant suffers a high ankle sprain.

December 2008 - Following yet another early season home loss, Sunderland boss Roy Keane suffers a scratched cornea when he is hit by a missile as he leaves the pitch. Shockingly, the object turns out to a half eaten prawn sandwich, launched by a disgruntled, but still passionate, fan in the luxury boxes.

February 2009 - As part of his annual off-season competition with Tiger Woods, Braves pitcher John Smoltz proposes a game of one-on-one basketball. Smoltz, a high school star in Michigan, forgets that he is forty-one years old and attempts a ferocious dunk over a stunned Woods. Sadly, the hurler is rejected by the underside of the rim, crashing to the ground and experience a bruised tail bone and class three sprained ego.

May 2009 - Looking to crash the energy drink party, and put his soft serving experience to use, Mavs owner Mark Cuban launches an exciting new product: Xtreme Ice Kream. Cuban enlists his team for product testing, only to have Dirk Nowitzki miss that evening's game with a taurine/ice cream headache.

October 2009 - In yet another post-season flop, Alex Rodriguez goes 0-17 as the Yankees are eliminated in the ALDS. Baseball insiders attribute this performance to a scrotal abrasion suffered by A-Rod when he was forced to zip up in a hurry and flee when Jose Conseco arrived home early.

June 2010 - Completing a stunning two year turn around, a healthy Dwyane Wade and Michael Beasley lead the Miami Heat to the NBA championship. Shawn Marion, incensed at once more being relegated to "under-appreciated third option and defensive specialist," skips the locker room celebration to drink alone at the bar in the team hotel. He later suffers a broken rib, vomiting in the lobby bathroom.

September 2010 - As part of their penance for bringing shame to the sport, the NBA sends the New York Knicks to Mongolia as part of the NBA Cares program. Ron Artest, entering his third season in New York, is somehow separated from the team and lost to the wilds of the Gobi. He is found months later, seemingly living happily with a pair of snow leopards. Artest receives treatment for scurvy and mild exposure, but is otherwise unharmed.

January 2012 - At a lavish party celebrating his 30th birthday, Gilbert Arenas suffers bruises and a mild concussion when he is thrown from the rented elephant he rode in on and crashes threw a larger than life ice sculpture of himself. On his blog, Gil admits that the experience was painful, but "not nearly as bad as that time my rookie year when I shaved my taint."

Nicknames that Will Probably Never Make it on Sports Center

In honor of the now age-old process by which Chris Berman (at least in his younger, less jaded days) created nicknames for ballplayers of all sorts, we've compiled a list of nicknames that despite their worthiness, will never reach the mainstream air. So to remedy this situation, we bestow upon you some of the less sensitive, less PC and less tasteful nicknames out there:

• Brad 'Cerebral' Halsey
  
• Keith 'Queer as' Foulke
  
• Bowie 'Dead' Kuhn
  
• Ted 'Batan Death' March-ibroda
• Robert 'FEMA' Traylor
  
• Jeremy 'If She Were Younger I'd Have' Bonderman
  
• Bartolo 'Cancer of the' Colon
  
• Jon 'Love Her and' Lieber
  
• Grady 'Women Really Do Care About' Sizemore
• CJ 'Who the Fuck' Ah You
• Larry 'Club' Foote
• Randall 'Is' Gay
• Ronnie 'The War of 1812 was Officially ended with the Treaty of' Ghent
• Jerry 'Pubic' Hariston
• Torii 'MILF' Hunter
  
• Ed 'Can't' Reed
• David 'Uncle' Toms
• Dwyane 'Roe v.' Wade
• Junior 'My Uncle Made Me' Seau
• Amanti 'Malignant' Toomer

Koln!!

So Heidi Klum's kid loves Koln. Look who else loves Koln!

Dominique Wilkins!
This (NFL Europe) Centurions Cheerleader!
Alex!
Dr. Chengfei Liu!
Oliver Kahn!

Items flying under the radar...

...Or at least not being paid attention to by me:

• With ManU being held on smogside, Chelsea, lead by a man variously likened to a dinosaur, Baron von Greenback, and a reanimated corpse, are truly back in the race for the Premiership. The title race has shifted relatively quietly from an Arsenal/ManU affair to a run in between the the winners of the last three seasons, with an April 26th fixture between the two looming. Note the use of authentic European words such as smogside, fixture, and the upcoming table.
  
• At the other end of the table (boom!), Newcastle seem to have accomplished what Bolton could not, that is to say shake off the Fat Sam Effect and move comfortably clear of the relegation zone. A poor stretch by Reading over the coming weeks could see them joining Fulham and Derby in the Championship next season, thus completing the purge of American influence (on the field at least) from the PL. I've actually been paying very close attention to the Newcastle situation, but I wanted to mention it anyways.
  
• Grant Hill has never won a playoff series??! Is it on him if the Suns don't make it out of the first round this year?
  
• The Memphis Tigers are quite the basketball team.
  
• I'm still surprised no one ever mentions the NFL welfare system for team with morons in the front office.
  
• It wasn't until today that it really sunk in that TBS now broadcasts regular season baseball games that aren't the Braves. My feelings on this development can be found here.